Some random pointless Pokéfic
by Tashojiri
Summary: I decided to write a 'fic about the Pokémon anime, and ended up with - ta da - ludicrous nonsense! Something we all hold very dear to our hearts, of course. Notice how this summary doesn't tell you anything? Discontinued.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

  
  


'We hereby announce Ash Ketchum as the world's greatest pokémon master! Yes, Ash caught all two hundred and fifty one pokémon - or whatever the total is by this time - AND defeated every gym leader in every town in every country (or he just made them feel sorry for him and they gave away their badges)! In fact, I think we should just announce Ash Ketchum as King Of The Pokémon World! We love him sooo much! Oh look, and here's Ash's fanclub to help congratulate our beloved hero..'

Ash was lucky Psyduck didn't know how to use its psychic powers. I mean, seriously, imagine if it could actually _do_ something with those powers it was meant to have, and like.. read his mind or something. If Misty found out Ash dreamt about himself being King Of The Pokémon World every night, well who knows what she'd do. Then again, we probably don't want to know why Misty was wondering what he was dreaming about anyway.

Now's about the time when something should actually happen, so along walked Jigglypuff. It glanced around at the sleeping trio and scratched its head (well, technically its body.. it doesn't really _have_ much of a head when you think about it). This lot normally fell asleep _after_ it sang. Still, nothing could be more fun than seeking revenge on them anyway, so it took the lid of its "microphone" and started drawing on the nearest human's face. It happened to be Ash's.

'Woah, woah what's going on?' Ash murmured. '_I'm_ meant to be the one doing the autographs.. hang on, this isn't Indigo Plateau! Where am I? AAHHHH it's Jigglypuff!'

Ash suddenly stood up, complete with that little springy sound they use in anime when people move suddenly. He straightened his hat (he wears it to bed), then realised he had texta all over his face and decided to concentrate on wiping it off instead.

'What's going on here?' Brock asked, annoyed to be woken up from his dream of being married to Officer Jenny (he wasn't even sure which one).

'It's Jigglypuff!' said Ash observantly, pointing at the big pink blobby thing.

'Jiggly!' added Jigglypuff. It took a deep breath.

'Noo don't sing Jigglypuff!' yelled Ash.

'You know what, Ash?' said Brock thoughtfully. 'I just thought of something. Why don't we ever just get our pokémon to battle Jigglypuff whenever it starts to sing? I mean, our pokémon should be at high levels by now, they should be able to handle it easily.'

'Ash's pokémon aren't at high levels,' said Misty, sitting up. 'Don't you remember, Brock? It's that psychological disorder he's got.. he can't handle high level pokémon and whenever his pokémon actually get to high levels he has to find some way of giving them away..'

'Oh, that's right,' said Brock, nodding. 'But when you think about it, it makes sense. The lower level his pokémon are, the more likely he is to lose at the Johto League, thus prolonging the length of the series.'

'Oh, of course!' said Misty. 'What I don't understand, though, is how none of us seem to get any older, even though Ash clearly stated that a year passed from when he left home to when he returned to Viridian City....'

It's amazing how in anime, two characters can start having a conversation during the middle of some kind of threat to their health, pride or sleep patterns.. and the threat just magically sits there and waits for them to finish. I mean, what the hell was that all about in Digimon when ExVeemon and Davis were having that big emotional talk to Stingmon and Ken, and Okuwamon was just patiently waiting for them to DNA Digivolve instead of destroying them!? But Jigglypuff just doesn't stand for that.

'PUFF!'

'Oh that's right, we were going to battle Jigglypuff,' said Ash. 'Go Pikachu!'

'No way,' breathed Brock. 'I was seriously expecting Noctowl to get some screen time.. oh well.'

'Pikachu, thunderbolt now!' said Ash.

'Pika pika chuuuuu!'

Of course it wouldn't have mattered which electric attack Ash ordered his pokémon to use, since they all look exactly the same and seem to do the same amount of damage, but "thunderbolt" has the catchiest title.

'Jiggly!' Jigglypuff exclaimed. With that, it fell to the ground.

'Hey, I know!' said Misty, stepping forward. 'Pokéball go!'

'Hey that's not fair!' Ash moaned. '_I_ was the one that weakened it!'

Misty's pokéball hit Jigglypuff, and it was sucked inside. Then, however, the pokéball broke open and Jigglypuff re-emerged, angrier than ever.

'I just realised why we always run away..' said Brock, seeing the menacing look on the little pokémon's face.

'PUUUUFF!' it said angrily, blowing itself up. Er, but not like it was exploding, like it was expanding. Like blowing a balloon up, not like blowing a bomb up, get it? OK, moving along..

'Piiika?' Pikachu asked, confused.

'Puff!' said Jigglypuff, and started using its doubleslap on, strangely, everyone.

'AAAHHHHHH!!!!' they all screamed, and promptly ran.

Little did they know, however, that they had left their backpacks behind (of course, they'll probably have them back in the next scene, but that's not the point)...


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

'Oh no!' Misty gasped. 'Our backpacks!'

OK, so that was misleading narration in the last chapter, but hey.

'Oh no!!' Brock moaned. 'All my pokémon were in that backpack! All FOUR of them!!! Whatever will I do??'

'Hey, where's Togepi?' Ash asked. Misty freaked.

'Togepi's gone!' she squealed. She grabbed hold of Ash's shirt. 'This is all your fault Ash Ketchum, if you'd just weakened that Jigglypuff enough in the first place I could have captured it!'

'Oh, so now it's all my fault!?' Ash demanded. '_You_ were the one that made it angry by throwing the pokéball! Why'd you want to catch it anyway, aren't you meant to be a _water_ pokémon trainer!?'

'For your information, water pokémon are just my _speciality_, that doesn't mean I _only_ train water pokémon!' said Misty.

As they went on arguing, Brock sighed and sat down. 'Pikachu, you're my friend aren't you?'

'Pi?' Pikachu asked, titling its head.

'Ha ha! Prepare for trouble!'

It was about time, too.

'Make it double!'

Unfortunately for Team Rocket, Ash and Misty were too busy arguing, and Brock too bored, to even notice them. Still, they recited the rest of their motto. You already know it though, so I don't need to type it.

'Pi Pikachu!' Pikachu exclaimed belatedly.

'We're here for Pikachu!' said Jessie. She then realised no one was listening to her, and started getting those weird marks on her head that anime characters have when they're angry.

'Wooooobuffet!'

'Get back in your pokéball!' said Jessie angrily.

'Pikachu, come with us,' said James, trying a different tactic. 'We're much better than those losers you hang around with. I mean, we've got cool hairstyles, my voice always sounds like it's breaking, and we repeat the same over-used motto every day.. we're much better masters than that Ash guy. I mean really, what's he got? A couple of badges sure, but has he got love and loyalty to his pokémon? I don't think so. You and Bulbasaur are the only pokémon left from the first series, and Bulbasaur will probably leave soon too. Look at us, we've _still_ got Arbok and Weezing, they've been with us all the way.. it's touching really.'

Pikachu titlted its head as James wiped a tear from his eye. Pika pika pi pikachu, it thought.

Meanwhile, Jessie had gotten Wobbuffet back in its pokéball. Brock was still sitting around being bored, and Misty had remembered that Ash still owed her a bike, so their argument was getting worse.

'The only reason you won't give me my bike is so I don't leave and there's no female hero, isn't it Ash!?' Misty demanded. 'Come on, admit it!'

'Pikachu,' said James. 'Seriously, just take a look at them. She's _still_ going on about that rusty old bike.. do you really want to have to put up with that?'

'Pika,' nodded Pikachu.

'Rrrr.. Pikachu just come with us!' said James angrily.

'PIKACHU!' said Pikachu, and used some kind of electric attack on him. James fell to the ground. At the sound of the thump, Ash turned around.

'It's Team Rocket!' he gasped. He looked at them angrily. 'What are _you_ doing here!?'

'What do you think we're doing here?' James asked, standing up. 'We're here to use all sorts of weird contraptions we obviously couldn't afford to try and catch Pikachu for ten minutes or so before you defeat us and we "blast off again".'

'Um,' said Ash, taking a step back. 'OK.'

'So anyway...' said Misty, realising the plot was going nowhere. 'What about our backpacks?'

'Ha ha!' said Jessie. 'That reminds me!'

'We have your backpacks!' said James, and gave an evil laugh (well, his attempt at an evil laugh, which was really more of a girly laugh).

'Give us our backpacks now!' said Ash, just waiting for the chance to demand something.

'Oh, we'd be happy to,' said Jessie patronisingly, holding out Ash's backpack. As Ash reached for it, she snatched it back. 'Right after you give us Pikachu!'

'That's not a bad trade, really,' commented Brock.

'Pika!' said Pikachu angrily.

'Er, I mean, you'll never get away with this!' said Brock. 'Go Onix!'

'Go Victreebel!' said James. He threw a pokéball; his pokémon promptly started chewing his head. 'No not me, attack Onix!'

'Treeee!' (or whatever it says) said Victreebel. It let go of James and leapt at the onix. Opening its huge mouth, it practically swallowed Onix's head. This didn't look good.

'Um,' said James. 'Was that meant to happen?'

Onix started thrashing about (er.. Brock must have taught it Thrash), trying to get the thing off its head.

'Hang on a moment,' cut in Misty. 'If all your pokémon were in your backpack, how did you just send out Onix?'

'You know what?' said Brock, in thought. 'I'm not really sure.'

As the author realised the gaping plot hole, the onix disappeared. So much for that then.

'Er.. PIKACHU! It's up to you now!' said Ash.

'Pika!' nodded Pikachu.

'Pikachu, thunderbolt!' said Ash.

'Chuu!' said Pikachu, and blasted Victreebel with electricity. Despite the fact that electric attacks are weak against grass types, Victreebel collapsed.

'Oh no!' said James. 'Well, um, go Weezing! Weezing, Smokescreen!'

'You'd think they'd have gotten sick of that by now,' said Ash, then realised he was meant to be coughing and covering his face with his arm.

'James,' said Jessie. 'I'm just a bit confused as to why you told Weezing to use Smokescreen when it was really no benefit to us at all.. don't we usually use it to escape?'

'Oh yeah,' said James. 'I guess I was just used to it.'

'Who cares, let's just get Pikachu!' said Meowth, realising he hadn't been in the story yet.

'Good idea!' said Jessie. She pulled on her rubber gloves and grabbed hold of the electric rat. 'Ha ha ha, now we have your backpacks AND your pikachu! Goodbye, twerps!'

'Noooooooo!' cried Ash. Had Team Rocket really defeated them for good?


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

'Boss, you won't believe it!'

'What is it? Can't you see I'm busy sitting around and enjoying my wealth?'

'It's incredible, boss! You know that trio that always fails; Jessie, James and Meowth? Well they've brought you a pokémon!'

'WHAT!?' Giovanni nearly had a heart attack.

'Do you want me to send them up?'

'Send them in immediately!'

'Yes sir.'

A moment later, in walked Jessie, James and Meowth. Their hair was a bit on the "fork in a powerpoint" side of things, but other than that they looked very pleased with themselves. Jessie was wearing rubber gloves and holding a little yellow rodent pokémon..

'Look boss, we brought you that pikachu you wanted so much!' said Jessie.

'After years of trying all sorts of crazy ways to get it, we just walked right up and grabbed it!' said James

'What are you idiots talking about?' Giovanni demanded.

'Um,' said Jessie, glancing at her partners. 'The, uh, the pikachu... that you, that you.. wanted us to.. get.. the.. the pikachu?'

'Why would I want a PIKACHU!?' Giovanni roared, going all big and scary with fire and stuff.

James looked at Jessie, blinking. He was quite confused.

'Uh, Jessie,' he said quietly. 'Exactly why did we want to get Pikachu in the first place, anyway?'

'Because it was so powerful!' said Jessie, sounding quite crushed. 'Because it was like the ultimate pikachu in the universe and we'd get a big promotion when we gave it to the boss and..' She burst into tears.

'I just realised,' sighed James. 'The only reason we thought it was so powerful, was because we were so weak. Oh, woe is us.'

'Um,' said Giovanni. 'Alright.'

Now that the fanfic had no plot whatsoever, Pikachu leapt out of Jessie's arms.

'Pika pika pikachu!' it said. It sent bolts of electricity flying around the room. Jessie, James, Meowth, Giovanni and Persian all dropped to the ground, dodging the sparks. Pikachu stood proudly on Giovanni's desk, happy to have shown its real power. 'PIII!'

'That _is_ an amazingly powerful pokémon!' said Giovanni. He was actually right. Since Pikachu was the main pokémon in the show, the writers _had_ to make it super-powerful and stronger than even fully evolved pokémon, because it'd be kind of stupid if the main pokémon lost all the time. Then again, the main _human _was Ash..

'Pika pika,' nodded Pikachu, rather pleased.

'Told you so told you so told you so!' chanted Jessie. Meowth gave her a strange look.

'I'm very proud of you!' said Giovanni. Jessie, James and Meowth all grinned at each other. 'As a reward, you will become the new MASCOT OF TEAM ROCKET!'

Jessie, James and Meowth blinked, and belatedly realised that their boss wasn't, in fact, even talking to them.

  
  


'Waaaaaahhh I don't know what to do, I can't live without my best friend Peegachu!' whined Ash. Bulbasaur winced and wondered if Pikachu would have put up more of a fight if its trainer could pronounce its name properly. Bulbasaur knew all too well why Ash had never been able to train a Pichu. No pokémon could possibly endure the torture of the word "Peeju".. Bulbasaur shuddered at the sound of the Americanised Japanese word.

'It's OK Ash,' said Misty comfortingly. 'We'll find it somehow.'

'Yeah, Pikachu's strong,' said Brock. 'It won't let Team Rocket just take it off like that.. it must have some kind of secret plan or something.'

'That's it!' said Ash, brightening up. 'Pikachu's so smart, it'll have worked out a way to overthrow Team Rocket in no time!'

'Um, sure,' said Misty.

  
  


Meanwhile, Pikachu was having a great time at Team Rocket Headquarters. Giovanni had given Persian to Cassidy and Butch, and Pikachu now happily stood in Giovanni's office purring and drinking milk. Well OK, maybe not the purring part. More like pikaing. I'm sure that's a word.

'Order another of those Pikachu pillow cases,' said Giovanni. 'Oh, and I could do with the school lunchbox set too, even though I don't go to school. And oooh, what's this? Wow, a whole Pikachu costume! I have to get one of them! Giovanni wants you to play him as a basic pokémon, but you can't! Who's cuter: Pikachu or me? Ha ha, get it?'

'Um, no boss, sorry,' said the confused Rocket.

'Oh never mind,' said Giovanni angrily. 'Just go and buy all that stuff!'

'Certainly,' said the Rocket. He saluted, and left the room.

'Obviously, _I'm_ cuter,' said Pikachu. Or it would have, if it could speak English.


End file.
